Sunday, March 11, 2012

Journal 142 Birthday

As in, my nephew's.
As in, his fifth.
I was just emailing my friend H. about my feelings of anxiety about spring, about all the memories surrounding this time, how last year, at this same event, the birthday, at the same place, with all the same people, except my Dad.  Because my nephew's birthday party, last year, was the last place my dad ever went, except the hospital.
The melancholy has been intense.
I hid it well at the party. But I feel it invading. Couple that with how work has been and I'm feeling a little inside-out right now. Exposed. Tired, definitely. Moving my mom. The house just ...gone.
And Mike packing up to go home.
So it sets things in motion--another year is marching along, the months passing, swiftly and surely, speeding up with every year I age, and I ask myself those serious questions. Is this what I want to do with my life? Am I living the life I want? I know the answers. And I know that one piece of the puzzle isn't with the others. The puzzle piece that is missing is the part that I already miss--Mike. Our long-distance-marriage. Adjusting to life alone again. And having no clue how to begin exploring the paperwork I have to do, the forms I have to fill in.
Okay, it's already one hour gone into my Sunday evening, and Mike is here, and I want to savour the time.
Here are some pics from today. As you look at them, imagine a soundtrack of a drum kit pounding in the background. Because my nephew has one, and every kid took a turn playing on it today. Watching them all, my nephew, niece, and all their treasured friends, I felt a wistfulness for my own childhood that was so strong I came close to crying. That simplicity.  And don't get me wrong, there were funny moments. The silence that took over as every kid inhaled cake. The tantrums, and how some kids didn't really want to participate in games, and hung out with Mike and I in the living room.  Laughing with my sister's ex-husband's sister about how we were the only ones there without kids.

these are just the shoes at the back door. the front door was
full of shoes too.

Anyway. Enjoy. The photos, your short and sweet Sunday night, and Life in general.



how the adults have fun.
the cake.

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