Monday, March 5, 2012

Journal 134 Awake

It's so so early and I so would like to still be sleeping, but I awoke at 4am, lots on my mind, and it stayed that way.
I was thinking about Mary Karr's wonderful book "Lit" (her follow up to "The Liars Club", her childhood memoir, Lit being her adulthood {thus far} memoir).
Her stories about her mother aging, about her sister and her taking care of her resonate to me, perhaps even more now, after the move, then they did back in August when I first read this amazing book.
Anyway, I was pondering the title, because after my mini-meltdown on Thursday night and the conversation with my lawyer on Friday morning, and after things got resolved (read about it all in this post from Friday, I had a thought:
that after the meltdown, and after the waves of sheer relief when things finally turned around, something became lit in me.
You know that sound of a match striking the matchbox board, the catch of the flame, that almost lightning-swiftness?
Well, that's what happened inside of me.
As if my grief-sleep, my inertia from all of the events, finally, finally, started to lift.
And I woke up again, more myself than ever.
Don't get me wrong; I'm still shaky. I'm still anxious, and I still have fears (lots of them), but something shifted in those hours, those moments.
I'm awake.
What this means is that I take with me into this new phase of my life all of the compassion, all of the dread, all of the extra-senses that accompany witnessing a life end, all the importance of what's really important, the crossing-off of the to-do list those things that do not fall into this sacred category.
I post the following poem, the first verse something that I tacked up on my office wall, behind my computer, years ago.
It's a great sentiment, and one that I can strive to insert into this crazy life I lead.
But there's one thing I'm gonna have to do before I am going to be able to live in faith that the whole world is on my side:
That the buyer of my mom's house, and her realtor are going to realize they picked the wrong family to screw over.
I promise myself, and them, of this fact.

Have a good Monday. I know I will.
I'm awake.
I'm alert.
And I am so so so f*cking pissed at these people.

“Promise Yourself 

To be so strong that nothing 
can disturb your peace of mind. 
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity 
to every person you meet. 

To make all your friends feel 
that there is something in them 
To look at the sunny side of everything 
and make your optimism come true. 

To think only the best, to work only for the best, 
and to expect only the best. 
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others 
as you are about your own. 

To forget the mistakes of the past 
and press on to the greater achievements of the future. 
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times 
and give every living creature you meet a smile. 

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself 
that you have no time to criticize others. 
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, 
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. 

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, 
not in loud words but great deeds. 
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side 
so long as you are true to the best that is in you. ” 
 Christian D. Larson

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