At four in the morning.
At five in the morning.
Anxiety riddles my dreams, makes me lie still in bed--well, my body is still, but my heart--it beats at a rate so rapid it scares me.
And the crazy thing is--I'm happy. Happier than I've been in years and years.
And I know this, but I can't stop the thinking.
The five am thoughts I call them.
They start with work (which is crazy by the way, full of projects and deadlines, and I've said it all before so I won't say it again) then it morphs to my mom's move and future, then my future, and immigration stuff (remember, I married an American. We both need to find a way to be able to each legally reside in the other's country and let me tell you: they don't make it easy).
So I go from there and way way into the future, I do calculations (this is what anxiety drives me to, I do it when I drive through the States, too, to pass the hours on the way to Maine, I cross-calculate the distance in miles and kilometres, do conversions, think about how long it would take me to run a certain distance, yes, I'm insane), but in bed awake my calculations are about "ok, how many mortgage payments do I have left and how can I speed them up and when do I want to retire and yes, I'm only thirty-eight"... but when your parent dies before retirement age, these things can keep you up at night, almost in a manic fashion.
As in, "I need to do it all NOW, ie, my taxes, my will, my retirement plan" and there is no other word for it than insane.
It's funny to me, how I hold on to these beliefs that the world will not turn unless I push it.
It's turning. My father died one year after his cancer diagnosis and the world kept going. I kept going.
My therapist (I have an appointment coming up because someone needs to hear me voice these thoughts, other than my patient husband and ever-understanding sister) says that this is what emotional exhaustion is. That it can exist alongside an otherwise 'going along swimmingly' type of life.
Please let her be right.
All I know is that I'm so so tired of thinking this way.....