Monday, April 30, 2012

Home again

Fact: I visited four states in four days.
Fact: I brought my camera. I did not, I repeat, did not, take a single photo.
Why? Because I wanted to look at everything myself, and not crowd a camera into the mix--ie, take in the images of new places and new people at face value so to speak.

I had a fantastic time.
I will write about it here.
But there won't be any pictures; just the ones you get in your head from my descriptions.
And really, that's so much better, isn't it?

So here I am, home again.
Bittersweet as always.
Touching down at Billy Bishop and de-planing I realized I'd lost of my love of seeing the buildings rise up to meet me as the plane lands. It didn't fill me with tears of happiness to see the CN tower, to be back on Canadian soil.
Instead, it left me empty with sadness, with missing Mike, missing Maine, missing that life.

I had my first runner's high in months one mile into my second run on my second day there, headed to the beach, to my ultimate favourite, running on sand. I haven't had that euphoric rush in a long time.
As I had described to a friend last year, it's like I'd been 'numb'.
I went without coffee for two days in Maine and CT. I just didn't need to amp myself up to do yet another task I was dreading and couldn't put off. When I'm with Mike I don't dread anything.

New England is as nice as you imagine. Being away from this city that I've embraced for so long is even nicer. I just never thought I would feel that way. The rushing, the crowds, the fishbowl-effect, the rudeness--all of it daunting in a way I've never experienced.
The fishbowl-effect: let me expand.
Meaning, in a city, when you are in its grip, to me, you are IN the fishbowl, smugly looking out, feeling not a second of doubt that you want to be in that bowl, swimming around and around, doing the same thing day after day, night after night, without a thought of trying to jump out.

Well, I want out of the bowl. Or maybe I'm already out? Did I take the leap and not even realize it?
Am I lying on the table gasping for air, or did I make the leap to a bigger, better pool of water, one where I don't have to hemmed in, acting the same as all the other fish, swimming in the same direction, chasing after the same world that doesn't exist?

Things to ponder.
More about the mini-trip in a bit. I've just arrived back, there is laundry to do, and dinner (at 10pm) to be scrounged up.

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