Monday, October 31, 2011

Journal 85 Burn Out

I have every single symptom.
And it's not getting any better or going away.
It's getting worse and it's getting bigger.
As I emailed L. today, and emailed my sister, recent events surrounding issues with my family, etc, have caused me to ask, Do I have a black cloud following me around?

I am just not even close to being ready to deal with all of this in terms of the death and detrius of one parent, and the looking after (ie, parenting) the other parent.
I'm really trying (and by trying I mean watching trash
tv every night, drinking too much chardonnay, falling asleep,
then getting up at about 4 for no reason) but I've reached a bit of an impasse where I truly have lost sight of what I can do for solving these problems. It's like my bag-o-tricks in empty.
I try to keep a clear head, but this isn't the kind of stuff you
talk about with 'people' you know. This is the kind of stuff that sometimes you can't even talk to about to your closest friends. And another thing, most of my friends have alot of happy stuff going on right now, and I hate being that 'wet blanket'. And then I remind myself that I have had different sorts of challenges than most people I know, and I have different ways of dealing with said challenges (my favourite being social isolation and bottling things up; pardon the pun).

Yes. I do believe in God, I do. But jeez. He just doesn't make
it easy sometimes. However, I know that a life with a bunch
of scoops of vanilla ice cream isn't for me. And as I read on another
blog this week, these times of trial are how you go from "bland"
in life to "Oscar-worthy". Not that I agree with most of the nominations
(or understand them). But once in a while, they choose a gem.
Is my life a gemstone? A hard rock (not a diamond) right now.
Rocky, uphill, and hard.
And I'm engaged. Should be the happiest time of my life.

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