Monday, May 2, 2011

Journal 9--Control

Endless frustration.
With everything and everyone.
I know, I know, this is the 'unlive-able' part of PMS talking, but I am in such a mood today, it's reminding me of the month of April in Toronto. As in, clouds for days.
I dread my own phone ringing, even though I have caller ID, because it's usually not-good news, or someone calling from a bank or somewhere like that.
I got all quiet on the phone last night with M because I was inside my head doing the 'where am I going to end up' trip and 'where is my life going and how are we going to be together in the same place at some point and what will it look like' and on and on like a broken record, stuck in an endless loop and it was only when I got up this morning, feeling a little more bright-eyed (and pill-free...) that I looked back on my phone-silence and how much that hurt M., because he's sensitive and sometimes I forget that, I really do.
I've had men from the past who were so emotionally unable to cope that having M is a huge treat, but it's also a privilege, and I need to treat it as such. We talked today on my lunch hour and I felt alot better.
I don't have to figure everything out right now, as my dream last night reminded me--I can't be in two places at once, but I can learn to exist in the here and now and not project too far forward.
What can I do, I'm a virgo (ie, endless planning...exhausting...)

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