I've been inexplicably tired this week (hot weather? hopelessness?) but I promised a blog entry, taken from my scribed-fawn-lark-journal-notes, and here it is.
The days are getting shorter, I'm loathe to admit. I also loathe the extreme heat even though I love summer.
I shut the dining room blinds tonight after doing some blog-reading and the only light in here was a candle I'd lit in my bedroom about forty minutes ago (Pier One pillar, First Rain).
I'm tired, I'm cranky from working in an office without a/c for three full days this week (you. heard. me. right.) Forgetfulness, irritability--another couple of side effects.
And today [yesterday, this is when I scrawled these notes] the phone. It just wouldn't stop ringing.
I came home, ate leftovers, was in my pajamas by about 7:30pm, and I thought about the deadening summer routine of being unable to even tolerate going up on the roof to enjoy a breeze (there wasn't one) with a glass of wine (I drank it inside).
I'm down. Leaving Maine last Monday (why is it so hard this time?) kind of sealed it, like, "yep, I'm nowhere I want to be right now". I gravitate towards the down-ness. I embrace it.
Signs. The stubborn way I've kept this fight going with a friend of mine, now glossing over, not talking about it (what? what happened?). The weather, bothering me incessantly. My inability to notice, love, and appreciate nature in its summer glory. I should be feeling compassion for the dry trees, grass, and crops. I guess I do. I worry about water, about rain. [this is how I write, late at night, in bed, with a pen and a journal. It's pretty ho-hum stuff. I know.]
I wished for and got clouds today (my right eye thanks the sky).
I went to one meeting, and then the next, today, and found parking and did it all, picked up samples, ferried them in my car, drew things, tried to make a difference.
Read, magazines and books, practiced scanning, a talent I recently noticed has seemed to have left me. Scan-read, I used to be a master at it. Not so anymore. I need to brush up on this.
The July sky darkens, earlier than I would like. I long to draw summer out yet I await my vacation, my freedom from work, at the end of August. My sojourn to Mike. I don't even mind entering the last year of these thirties of mine since I get to usher it in with him.
Speaking of Mike, last night he broke the unbreakable wedding ring. Tungsten. They said you would need a hammer to smash it. Turns out all you need is a loose ring, an industrial kitchen-in-a-restaurant-floor, and presto---smashed ring. He's upset. I'm philosophical. There will be another ring. It's just a thing, a thing that yes, we got married with, but just a thing. A replace-able thing.
I focus on growth, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly.
The me of two years ago would not have been able to accept this ring thing like this.
So..I feel gratitude.
Acupuncture. My virgin attempt last night. It didn't hurt. It felt like a 'zing' as the needle found its place, and then, the dark room, the soft music. I fell asleep. Actually, it felt, really, like I was pulled into sleep. I gave into sleep. The treatment was over before I even knew it.
I got into it with my benefits provider today on the phone. For acupuncture, you can't submit your claim online. One more inane rule of Sunlife. I told the woman on the phone her service sucked. She said she was sorry. I said don't be. Fix the goddamn problem (I only said goddamn in my head).
But I thought it. I still think it. But this exchange (oddly) spurred me on to do several other nagging to-do list things (renew my license plate sticker, book a service appointment for my car) and as a Virgo nothing quite feels as good as ticking off boxes. It's what allows me to sleep.
Speaking of sleep, I've needed alot of it this week.