Friday, May 11, 2012

May Ups and Downs

Not really sure how I am feeling about May.
I know this:
1.  I had a bad cold toward the end of April which lingered on for about 2 weeks.

2.  I went to Boston, Maine, Conneticut, and New Hampshire over one weekend at the end of April-beginning of May. While I love the time with Mike, whirlwinds are tough for me. My job keeps my ends frayed far more than I would like, and this often spills over into 'me time'.  Also, I am still kind of shaky from all the goings-on in life over these last few years. Up. Down. Up. Down. Often, when I'm up, when it should be good, I'm perilous. I dangle. Worried. Looking down. Way down.

3. Work has been a whole other whirlwind. Barely time to breathe. High pressure. Day after day after week after week. Humans can take pressure, I can take pressure, but this unrelenting stuff has been very hard on me.

4. I react to stress differently than I did ten years ago. Even five years ago. It's like a state of becoming 'hyper' which I liken to extreme anxiety. Then, because of the environment I work in, I internalize it.

Also, because of the people in my life, even the ones I love the most, I hide it. Pain. Worry. Stress. Fear. Like I'm not supposed to feel it. Even a smidge. So it finds other ways to come out. One of these ways is social withdrawal-- holing up in my apartment and not wanting to venture into the world.
Yet another way of coping is starting to take shape as I age and I don't like it one bit:
physical ailments.
My sister and I were talking about this on the phone last night. How, sometimes, that sore shoulder, that achey foot and, in this case, a headache I've now been carrying around now for three days are your body's stress receptors set to "way too high".
So I try to step back, breathe, be gentle, treat myself with care, with calm, with love.
And then last night, as I was lying in bed, awake, alert, after midnight, it came to me.
I'm edgy about May. The last two Mays of the last two years were stifling. Something to be endured. While spring blooms outside me, and the days lengthen, and people's moods improve, I am terrified. Every little thing spooks me. Every negative thought. Every unshared secret.

I guess the difference is my level of awareness--I KNOW what is happening. But then there is a part of me that is powerless to stop it.
I'm not sure if I've ever really been a spring-person. I don't like the temperature fluctuations, I hate trying to figure out what to wear, spring-cleaning is a bane on my existence, and while I adjust well to summer and just 'being', spring seems to demand my attention in a way I'm not comfortable with.

I just have to get on with it I suppose. Read, write, RUN, and feel the feelings.
No matter how negative they sometimes are.


  1. Raised in a stifling home with Korea-born and raised parents, I am the queen of internalization. QUEEN. It's more of a coping mechanism I grew up with. I can't seem to shake it yet, and frankly, I probably never will, but they say that awareness is the first step to change, or at least move towards the path of healthily managing stressors. I guess what I'm saying is that I think you're on your way, C.

    You shared some very thoughtful words about me in a recent post. Thank you. I've been trying to better manage my time in the blog world and haven't paid proper attention to commenting as a good reader should. My apologies.

    Hope you have a good weekend :).

    1. J, hello! no need to apologize--we are busy, vital women. I know you're out there. Your photos. Breath-taking...