Sunday, August 21, 2011

Journal 54 Sunday Musings

It's 4pm, I'm still wearing pajamas, and I have yet to leave my apartment, at all. I haven't even taken out the garbage. And I didn't run. After all the running I've been doing lately, it feels nice to relax and take a 'day off' and give my body a rest.

Currently, I'm home-dying my hair and somehow have managed to get hair-dye all over my face, really messily.
I have to go and wash the dye out now (I know..I should say "Colour" not "Dye" as advised in Melissa Bank's wonderful book "Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing").
Ok. I'm going to wash the colour out. I'll be right back.

I'm back. My face still has hair dye smudges on it, but the colour is washed off, and the formerly "colour-free" parts of my hair are now their natural (ha!) official jet brown. Both my parents went grey/white really young, and my sister and I have the dubious inheritance of having this occur to us, too. But I keep up the fight, as does my sister. We both have very dark hair, and the grey/white shows quickly, I find, after each colour.

It's been alternately sunny/rainy all day and at one point it got so dark out it was like late-evening. The one good side effect of that was that I lit tealights in case of a power outtage (we got hit with a huge thunderstorm about two minutes after the darkness hit), and it was cozy to be inside, pajama-clad, in the middle of the day.

I made a bacon sandwich and had some gingerale, baked chicken for dinner later, and sent emails to my friend L., who I am going to be visiting next weekend in New York.
My suitcase, as I mentioned, has been on the floor of my bedroom for the past week, and now I've started filling it. Bikinis, sundresses, beach towel, flip flops...I'm so excited to get to the States, and I'm hoping my workweek (which I know is going to be insane) flies by. The last few weeks have been over-the-top busy, but I've really committed to getting so much done before I leave, that I have a real sense of accomplishment.

I've also spent the day controlling my worry-behaviour, as I've been very very good this week, and so far I've succeeded with that. My friend A. and I were talking about that last night, our "progress" with this, as she shares my mindset, and we often bond over giving each other ideas that seem to work. Mine is reading (her: "At least you can read!" we both found this funny), hers, acupuncture. Which is something my sister has also been doing lately. I may check this out when I get home from vacation.

My therapist has suggested "mantras" which, when she repeats them over and over to me in her office make me laugh, but I will admit, when I lay in bed at night and do them myself, they do seem to work. You just tell yourself the feelings will pass, and you forget a bit about your heart racing and you do kind of meditate over the phrase you're repeating, (for example, one I've been doing is "This is just temporary", meaning, how I feel, how busy I am, etc.)

I talked to my friend N. today on the phone too, and have made some new plans to see her this week (I flaked on the last ones. Weekend inertia after another longggg work week last week).
I admitted to her, on the phone, as I've blogged about here, I have basically done nothing all summer. I feel like that old Smiths song, "spending sunny days inside" and literally watching the world go by. Or merely reading about the world, in the world of books, an imaginary world, but one that lets me escape.

What else can I tell you about today? Complete Carolyn day.
I do have to do some work to prepare for Monday though (I know. Ugh). I have minutes of a staff meeting from last Monday to type and prepare, and I have to get them sent out.

So... I will get on that.

But I'm still on the fence about getting dressed. It's almost 5 pm now, there doesn't seem to be any real point (I'm not going anywhere. I've decided. Except, possibly, if the rain holds off, up onto the roof to read for a bit.)
My birthday, I notice, is in 3 days, and truly I'm kind of dreading it. Not for any reason of vanity, I don't mind turning 38, I really don't, especially as I wear jeans I wore at 26. But I'm sad and scared of my first birthday without my Dad. I know it won't feel the same. Just like Father's Day. I want the day to go by fast, I want to wish it away. And I feel bad that I feel that way, but it is what it is. That's all.

This is M.'s house, in Maine.

It has been five months since we've seen each other. I know. Five months, even for an LDR, is a long long time. There would have normally been a couple of quick weekend visits here and there but with the spring and my Dad's condition and all of that, it was impossible to go anywhere, even for a weekend.

Vacation count down:
6 days.

I truly cannot wait.

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