Saturday, July 16, 2011

Out the Window Re-Visited

Out the Window was published by me on this blog, about 13 months ago. You could look it up in older posts if you want to read it in detail, maybe again, or for the first time, on June 10, 2010.

Oddly, to me, it is one of the most-viewed pages on my blog of all time (yea, I can track this stuff. Fun, huh?). I don't find it particuarly intellectual as a post, it is highly emotional, and while that can make for some direct, laser-precision writing, it lacks emotional depth, that post, to me.
It is all about facts, facts that I greyed over in mystery to obscure those in my journal entry,
to not draw too much attention to myself, my family, and my need for protection in those heady days of late-May, early-June, in 2010.
I re read it today, as it keeps popping up on my blog stats as being viewed.
So, someone's interested in it. Someone feels the need to dissect what happened that week, maybe, to gain some understanding of it all, of 'what when down'.

I wrote that page a number of weeks after a very distressing incident had occured.
See, I lied in the Out the Window blog post.
It was not just emotional abuse, neglect, and abandonment. It was physical violence.
And depsite the fact that he and I were over at the time, he had come 'home' ostensibly to figure
out timelines of when he was leaving. I may or may not have mentioned, but he hit the ground running, as fast as he could, after my father's cancer diagnosis, leaving me to pick up the pieces in what I will describe as one of the lowest points of my life involving a relationship.

I touch on the fear in that post.
I didn't touch on the 911-call I made to the police after he shoved me hard enough in my own apartment, and I hit the wall. How he wouldn't let me go to bed to get some rest the night before my father's first cancer appointment. About how we waited a long time for the police to get there.
And when they did get there, they were unimpressed and unaffected by his profuse apologies.
They looked at him they way I felt about him: Scum.

In hindsight (I never, ever mentioned this episode to my parents) it was the breaking point for me, that allowed me to hold my head up and, as Amy Winehouse would say, "get on without my guy".
And it also allowed me to never look back, and not to waste anymore time on his re-habilitation.
His affair, the whole 911 mess, it was all pre-destined to get that part of my life behind me and deal with what was in front of me-- a very sick parent.

My friends all know what went down, my sister knows, the police know.
What most people don't know was missing from that blog entry, and clearly some people are
still hungry for that information. So...that's how it went down. A nice, explosive ending, to a very volatile chapter of my life, that allowed me to 'get on without my guy' and move on to a guy who is my soul-mate in every sense of the word, my future husband, and a partner who inspires blogposts about his utter kindnesses, his simple compassion, his disarmingly unhurried attitude about life. I had to have that experience to get me to him, to feel what real love is like, when you are allies and when a man respects and protects you, and when the chips are down with the family, he acts like he's a part of it. Because he is, and because he can handle it. All the sh(t that can get tossed at you in life. He can handle it, we can handle it.
Because we get out of bed everymorning and meet life halfway.
I don't need to throw my spirit out the window to connect with him. He's right here beside me, loving me, and honoring our commitment to each other as boyfriend-girlfriend, and our future together. Not cruising online dating sites secretly, because he can't get it up for a real live person.
But being there, when it counts, and being in my head, because he belongs there.
So I've re-visited it, and I did what I had to do, I protected those who needed protection at the time (my parents), and I can now release this experience to the universe and let it slide and slither away, a snake in the sand.

Release is a wonderful thing.

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