Monday, June 13, 2011

Journal 32 The Day After

I said to Lisa this morning...You know you're REALLY angry when you
wake up and feel the same the next day.
I don't know how this situation is going to play out.
I just know that my aunt and cousin completely defied my wishes, and
crossed boundaries yesterday that left me outraged.
They also took my sacred day, my Sunday, and destroyed the peace of
mind I work so hard to create throughout the week, after the stresses of work
take their toll, and the sheer emotional exhaustion has left its imprint.
(And the worst part is...I let them. And I'm old enough to know better).

Anyway. Aunt K. is still my lovely aunt, unfortunately, she has a daughter whose
behaviour encourages her own inappropriate-ness and boundary-levelling.
At this point, I feel no communication is the best form of communication,
as I have no desire to express my concerns and point of view to either of them,
as I do not think I will be heard. They dwell in a place of continual upheaval,
the universe swirling around them, with little (no) inner reflection, nor the
ability to step outside themselves and really ask those hard questions;
"Have I overstepped?"
"Have I crossed the line and caused (insert name here) pain and emotional discomfort?"
"Have I judged the level of care to be so woefully inadequate that only I (them) can
administer the proper level?" (ie, the constant stroking of my dad's forehead by my
cousin, which makes my skin crawl, and her pitying looks. Even in his state--my father HATES this).

I know that they think they are 'coming from a place of love' but their thoughts in this case are overshadowed by their very unwelcome actions.

It is in this place that I remain, unable to move forward with them towards reparations/sanity.

I need my peace right now.

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