Sunday, June 12, 2011

Journal 31 Seething Sunday

I'm posting the email version of me letting out my rant about my aunt and cousin's irrational behaviour today. I think it's easier in this context because I am super-honest with my friend L., and she got the full story from me, with no judgment, and I managed to feel some peace inside just writing it down and 'releasing' it so to speak.
During the past couple of weeks, I have been shocked at just how insensitive people can be, from telling me in detail how someone they knew died horribly of cancer, to telling me about problems that, in proportion, somehow just don't really enter into my consciousness right now. I'm focussed on a monstrously sad situation, and in my effort to deal with it, all I've really requested of people I'm not extremely close to is that I be allowed to have some time to myself, that I'm not up for much lately. (ie, the people I AM extremely close to include my mom and sister, my boyfriend M., my best friends T., A., L., L., K., and N., continue to do their best to bolster, and allow me time alone when I need it, too).
But the situation today, with my aunt and my cousin as a team is sometimes more than anyone can take, even in the best of times. So here's my e to my friend L. I think it says it all...

Darling thank you for this e.
in terms of 'edgy gemini' i have been SEETHING all day;

let me give you the gist of it;
so my fucking insane aunt (yes, let's just get the F bomb out of the way
right now, no edtiting, no cute little symbol to disguise it) and my fucked up
mentally ill cousin spent the day at my mom's yesterday, visiting with my
dad, my aunt up in his room the entire time, even though he needs SLEEP
and REST and good energy; my cousin is still saying she has this job
in Chicago and eats a red pepper , roasted, for dinner every night, with
feta cheese, and is now a size 2, and none of her fifteen-year-old grandma
clothes fit her they are too big blah blah blah.
SO. They go home last night (all the way back home to London Ontario) and
then my cousin has the AUDACITY ( btw this is going on my blog, am NOT sugarcoating
it) to call my mother and tell her she looked up the final stages of life on the internet
to 'prepare' her for what is to come. At this point I was open-mouthed, speechless, when my mom
told me this last night. They had also both expressed disappointment that I wouldn't be coming over as they 'wanted to see me'. Well, did either of them even bother to call me and say "How is Saturday for you, we'd like to see you, is this convenient?" No. So what I am? Some kind of fucking mind reader now?

This morning, my mom called me to tell me they had called (this is Sunday am) and
'informed' my mom, that they were coming back today. I FREAKED. Lost it on my
mom, and said, "I love you but I do not understand why you cannot stand up for
yourself, and tell them this is MY day to visit, and Sunday is all I have--I mean neither
of them WORK for Chirst's sake, and they spend the WHOLE WEEKEND here?
After driving back home? "

Anyway. I lost it. So my mom called them back and told them that I was upset and
wanted to see my dad today on my own, and that I run errands (it's called HELPING) for
my mom, and THEN they called ME and I REFUSED to answer, and they called my mom
back and said they were coming ANYWAY.

So I know I am a little unhinged as it is, but luckily, rather than calling them and giving them
the verbal equivalent of a bitch slap, I went to Starbucks, got my tan, and ran 10k in one
of the shortest times every (ok, really, 9ish k) because I was so fuelled by anger.
A. said anger is just sadness, or fear, but today I think anger is anger, and anger is
frustration, and violation, and 'who do they think they ARE?' all rolled up into one.

I calmed down and restrained myself from calling them. Their party line is "Why can't
we all just visit together?" My answer in my head: Because your daughter is
FUCKING CERTIFIABLE and creates and CRAVES conflict where ever she goes and
gets off on causing people anguish. But really, since there is no nice way of saying that,
I take the adult version of the high road and remind myself they are family, this is how
wars start..etc, etc (I'm convinced wars start because there are people like my cousin in this
world, many of them in fact, and they get into positions they shouldn't be in, ie, making
decisions, and there you have it.)

I am going there at four pm with Lisa, I told my mom to tell them to leave then, and I do
not want to see them today. We shall see what happens. I've taken half a xanax, that seems
to be kicking in, and tho I'm dying for more coffee I am denying myself. (tension)
So again.
Am sorry the kitchen staff felt the need to 'judge' you and that happened sar.
Never good, esp 14 hours in.
Women in Power--I like it. Alot! I have to do some affirmations in the car a bit today.

I also cannot believe my peaceful sunday has been ripped apart like this ....this is
my cousin, the demon. She is, you know. A demon, a thorn in people's lives.
Much like a Gr. type of person. Infective, worm-like, and very, very ill.

Go for a run; if the NYC weather is anything like TO today, you will have a fantastic
run. It's cool here, but not chilly, it's sun/cloud mix, so not too bright, and there is a
breeze to cool you down at just the right moment. I wore tight black nike running shorts
(hello little booty!) and a tight top. The toning--I can practically feel it working as I run,
and I've been eating less (who can eat with relatives like this?).
Am going to affirm my strength, post this e as a modified blog entry, and go pick
Lisa up. We're driving to the 'jax together in my car.

Loving sar. Pray for me in church.

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