Sunday, August 12, 2012

Dreams and rainbows

It rained yesterday--hard at times, gently at others.
I was caught in a furious downpour running from my car to the bottle store at about 7pm. Then, again, as I picked up the Indian food my sister and I were having for dinner.
The rain when I picked up the food was 'cats and dogs' type of rain, however, the sun was shining as it pelted down.
I was driving along Queen Street when I told myself I'd love to see a rainbow. Come on Dad, I thought. Can you send me a sign? Something? I tried to make a left turn at the next light to avoid some construction ahead but couldn't. I had to make the next left, not at a light, then make a quick right to get where I was going. I made the left, then waited at the stop sign for the right, craning my neck to catch sight of cars coming along, waiting for a break in traffic.
That's when the clouds cleared to the east for a second, revealing the wide arc of two rainbows, the first one perfectly outlined, with its double a fainter twin. I stared. I smiled. I snapped a quick pic with my phone (car was not moving, I promise.)
I know it's a chemical thing, I know that when sun and rain mix that rainbows can happen, but at that moment, after my beseeching, silent request, I felt the rainbow was just for me, just like the one I saw the day my dad died, the same sun/rain equation, the same resulting elation.

Later, I dreamed.
I was late for a work meeting, I was trying to park my car, and suddenly, there was my Dad, in his familiar spring jacket, the tan one with a red stripe in the middle of it. I'd forgotten about that particular jacket until I saw him wearing it. He was trying to park his car too, but his currency was not one that could be used. I tried to help him. He looked directly at me, so familiar, so real. 
"How are you, Carolyn?" he asked me, his voice so clear, no trace of the raspiness of those last months. When he still had a voice.
I replied, still in my work-frazzle. "Busy. It's just been a long day..." I trailed off. I was realizing, even mid-dream, what that question really meant. are you? How are you doing, how are you coping, are you okay, is everyone fine?
Yes Dad. I'm fine.
I don't let the little things bug me the way they used to.
Situations don't make me fall apart the way I used to.

I really am okay.
I am. 
I will be.


  1. Yes! What a lovely sign and dream. I would love to dream about Jack but it hasn't really happened.

  2. it will Anna. when you least expect it.
    thinking of you and your family and sending over my prayers.