Monday is coming, this Monday morning, which is when I found out. Which honestly, was the begining of my world tilting a bit on its' axis, and that's when the slide started.
Was talking with my dear friend A last night, about how easy it can
be to 'give in', when the going gets tough, you stop going/living/meeting life halfway, and for me, it would have been very easy this year, to give it all up, stop trying/loving/getting out of bed.
To just get off the ride, as I so blithely begged in a recent post about work driving me to the edge.
But I chose Me. And to work on that relationship, with myself. And the motto about controlling my own behavoiur (becasue I can't control anyone else's) has been my personal mission statement throughout this life-altering, mind-bending year.
I will be in another country for New Years, something that seems oddly fitting.
A 'break from tradition', from spending it with the same group of people, as I have for appx. 6 or 7 odd years.
I will be toasting to alot of things.
One is the spirit world, which I am quite certain has carried me through some of the most painful moments of this year;
Another is my Aunt K (I found a copy of The Prophet in Chapters last night in the bargain book section....bought it for her. Can't believe I found it....another sign.)
Her wonderful wisdom and the phone call after the night of my next-to-last Keg shift, with me practically writhing in emotional pain on the floor of my apartment, glass of wine in hand, and her calming, sensible words, ones I will never forget.
To my very first trip to NYC and how special my friend L made it for me. She lives far away but daily finds time, no matter how busy she is, to email me, my sister, her sister, and our friend A the horoscopes, a little touchstone to make it through the day;
To my new-found-old-friend love M, and his presence in my life, for making me come outside of myself, for challenging me with his intellect, and for running with me in Central Park, where I truly had an out-of-body experience, the kind of happiness that stays with you inside, in a quiet place, for a long time;
To every true friend I have, and I know exactly who you all are, each of you gives me something very special--yourself, your inner thoughts, your stand-by-it-ness, and your fierce loyalty.
To my dad for going through his 'trial-by-fire' with stoicism and some quiet pride,
and for holding on to his dignity through the worst of it;
To my mom and sister--my mom for being the best care-taker you could ever want, and for never letting worry cripple her and to my sister for continuing to raise two of the most amazing little people I've ever known, pretty much on her own, all the while working through her own pain and grief, and complaining little. She's taught herself to cook, taken writing courses, and travelled to places to be with friends all while being a fully engaged parent to my niece and nephew.
To myself for being authentic and not letting fear keep me trapped in a wrong relationship;
to breaking out of my comfort zone and driving to Maine, and for every time I felt fear on the road or doubted my directions, seeing a crow fly by, out of the corner to my eye,
a kind of talisman, a reassurance;
to the rainbow I saw at the service station at the side of the road after a wash of rain in Massachusetts.
To life and its many lessons this watershed year. I hope I can remember that sometimes out of the darkest times comes enhanced appreciation and gratitude for the light.