I missed pretty much the entire month, what with a long stretch of vacation, someone new in my life, and the adjustment of returning back to 'normal life' after being away. I didn't write at all really, except some letters to my new long-distance boyfriend.
I wasn't regularly on email for almost two weeks, as I was busy experiencing life during my trip as new, whole, and not as broken as the last few months.
One email to my parents tells them I feel "more like myself again".
I thought about that statement after reading my Dad's reply, he was so glad to hear that.
More like myself is, as I've indicated in previous posts, is more playful and less stoic; more centred and less restless; more committed and less anxious.
But, as I related to a close friend on the weekend, since I've been back, I've been...forgetful. Misplacing objects. Forgetting to return calls. Not as tirelessly communicating with all those in my life. That is really not like me.
I tried to pinpoint where the shift occurred.
In the same conversation with this very close friend, A., who imparts her wisdom and knowledge on me with an eloquence that few people I have ever met are gifted with, we talked about the need for control in life. How people employ so many methods and strategies (not all of them healthy) to "manage the uncertainty" in life....that's when it hit me.
In dealing with issues of recent months, and prior to that, I realized I had really no control over some events that had occurred, and had continued to occur in my life. All I had was an illusion of control--meaning, I could imagine all I wanted to that things were going along the way I had in mind, when in reality I'm simply an instrument of fate, meeting life halfway as much as I can.
It sounds frightening. It's not really. It can, if allowed to, be kind of freeing.
That is the shift I think.
I'm not overly trying to manage and control every detail right now.
In dealing with some family health issues, I don't have the energy.