She asked me that, on her sectional couch; 'What is your closure on this, what does it take for you to get that'.
Me; pulling no punches. "It's not going to happen in a civilized conversation. It's too late for that. My peace, my closure, L, is never having to hear from him again; in a text, in an email. In a phone call. And never having to see him again. To allow myself the luxury of letting myself think he no longer exists". (and to me, he doesn't).
I have, and continue to have, vague memories of the last few months, reason being I am convinced that what my sister said is true. This bandaid needed to be ripped off in the most disconcerting of fashions, so that no old patterns could be renewed. IE, we couldn't fall back into our same unhealthy, insane relationship when he was living with another woman. Whose kidding who? Maybe, as a newly-single heartbreak-beat type of girl, you'd want to text the person/call them-- who caused you pain. Not so-when another woman is involved; when your lover went 'the third way' as it is so aptly described in some literature I've been reading; you get no so such wallowing luxury. It's one thing to let a man you cared about, loved, cherished, wanted to marry, see you in heartbreak state; quite another to involve his third party in your two-person-only vehicle of pain. And my sister and I broke this down in a quality that seems to permeate in women who like to trail after men who belong to other women; They don't have the scruples to give a good goddamn about any other woman in the first place, and that will not change now. The reminders of you (should you let them be there) just make her uncomfortable, in a way she will be unable to identify for long periods of time. But bottom line she (and he) are selfish. Self-focussed.No use in letting them feed off your own pain so they can try and claim their own adversity--so hard done by, struggling to keep it together, as a couple brought together in the 'third way', and somehow lending them some righteous indignation. No such luck friends. You will have to do without the external drama. Go ahead; make your own fun.
Insight is not their strong point. Coveting and acqusition are where they focus. Once the package arrives, they have a hard time getting the paper and strings off. They are still somewhere else. They will always be somewhere else. Because sometimes, things sent through to you are not ones you were really ready to receive; the same way that things taken away from you, you were not ready to give up. Benevolence indeed. A greater plan in motion? Maybe. You (I) tell yourself this at the darkest moments.
As my friend A says:
"You are, where you are supposed to be."
I hope so. Moving through the where I'm supposed to be of right now, to the lovely one I am supposed to reach after I Learn this Lesson and re-evaluate why I even wanted this thing in the first place.
Ah autopsies in relationships. We don't get them. We can create them for ourselves, we can piece together the facts to solve the unsolvable.
Closure. That you have to give to yourself. This idea you had with a person no longer exists, for either one of you.
But it won't be anything nice and frame-able in the emotional world. It will be tattered, stained, upside-down, and if you're me, subtly torturous at least a few times a day in the beginning.
I look at this way, this time; I didn't fail.
I will continue to grow, one closure at a time.
thank you A and L for your thoughts....