Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Is there some place, out in the universe, where we live out a parallel existence? The one we get when we take a different side-street as we make our way through life?
A close friend of mine is dedicated to the theory, the 'where-we're-supposed-to-be-of-it-all.'
I have to agree with her. Those side-streets where you veer off, lost perhaps, but finding something all the same, are part of what makes life interesting, what makes life 'happen'.
In the best of times, when you can describe your state of mind as 'optimum' and your being is humming with the alive-ness of it all, the where-you-are is present, stable, and confident.
It's the dark times when you start to question things. The 'fear of life' as I once heard it so eloquently described by an admired writer.
Well, I do, anyway.

Recent events leave me wondering--am I experiencing a karmic backlash of some sort? Or is this simply a random, benevolent turn of events, put into motion to save me from something much worse? I try to believe it's the latter.

No amount of running, starving, drinking, or lying-in-bedding will make the bad feelings go away right now. They are here, they are part of my mind (really "the mind" if it were in any way 'mine' at all, it wouldn't entertain things the way it has of late). The feelings seem like part of my being right now.
I'm not in control of my thoughts, and it's kind of making me crazy.

I don't have a parallel life, or if I do, somewhere out there on an identical planet, I don't know about it. The one I have here is flawed and bit dark at the moment.
For all those I've snapped at, I apologize.
For the phone calls I've been unable to return, so sorry.
But it's for my thoughts, and the wandering tendencies they have that are what rip at me most right now.
I want peace. I want peace of mind, peace of soul. I want to forget it all happened. Give up the last five years of relationship-ness, built on lies and deceit, and bury it in a pit somewhere.
I don't want to think of the 'duality' of him, or 'it' as I have re-christened that being. Doing something like this makes it hard for me to properly label it as 'human'.
My role? Sure, it's there. My explosions of temper when he rolled in at 7am, nary a call or a warning. My frustrations at his frustrations when something didn't go right for him and he simply could not cope--hey, welcome to life. IT DOESN'T ALWAYS GO RIGHT.

Today I'm not peaceful, I'm not mindful.
But; parallel to this--I'm coming back to myself. It's not about IT. It's not about THAT.
It's about me, in my life, overcoming this obstacle that has been sent for some divine reason, I'm certain, and in neatly moving it out of the way, not kicking it wide open, the way I would have a couple of years ago. As one friend said, sagely, "There's something to be said about maturity".
Too true.
Today, I look for the parallel in this disaster. The silver lining, if you will. The bloom of the next flower. My parallel life is just around the corner. It's not on a far-off planet, out of reach of my existence. And I am responsible for taking the parallel and its 'where-I-want-to-be-ness' and inserting back where it belongs--in me, my being, my soul.
Every day, every marked-up X on the calendar date takes me away from the shock of it all and brings me back to where-I'm-supposed-to-be.


Let me make if happen.

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