"...I personally believe in the eternity of
the soul and I believe that she will see her son again someday" Rabbi
Shaul Praver recalls his words to a grieving mother whose son was a
victim of the Sandy Hook shooting.
I did not actually hear this quote said, but instead read it on my friend G.'s FB status and had the immediate thought of "Amen to that".
Because out of all the swirling comments surrounding the events in Connecticut, USA, on Friday, this to me was perhaps the most comforting.
The eternity of the soul.
God. (remember Him?)
Faith.
Hope.
Charity.
All those words we (sometimes) so casually throw around, that, in times like these, are a balm for a troubled heart, a worried soul, a confused mind.
You've heard me say it all the time on this blog, I describe our world as this revolving-door planet, one that we all must share, as peacefully as we can. In times like these, it's easy to forget that in order to foster the kind of world we want, revolving door or not, we must be, as Ghandi so gracefully put it, "the change we want to see in the world".
I, like many others I'm sure, attended church this weekend, as I so often do, my own balm when my soul is worried. The priest, like many others I'm sure, had amended his sermon to include thoughts on the tragedy that has, I hope, affected enough people that maybe some real change could be enacted after this type of shattering event. He talked eloquently about how we start each day with a certain mood, a viewpoint, and after Friday's event, he talked about his own plummeting mood, his own grim feelings after hearing "the news". I sat in the church pew with my mother and my seven-year-old niece. I held my niece's hand. I thought about how my recent visits to church have found me blanketed in my own troubles, my own selfish thoughts, and I felt myself unfurling a bit as I realized that my prayers and thoughts had not been self driven as they usually are. They were turned outward, sending out kind thoughts in the general direction of Connecticut and to all grieving people everywhere.
There you are, living your little life, and there it is, this grief, coming at you like a mass, like a fog, like an actual physical thing, sucking you in, seizing you up.
And your mood plummets.
Yea, I've read alot of the news stories.
Yea, I admit to being as seduced as anyone else is, asking the unanswerable question (why?) over and over again. Hungering for someone, someone in charge, someone with authority, to give me some direction on this.
Nothing comes.
There is no Why to this. There is no How. There is no reasoning, there is no sense to make.
I'm just one person, talking like many others, about an event that is stunning in its dehumanization.
And I have no answers.
All I have is this;
Kindness. (to others. to yourself)
Gratitude. (remember all that you have. It wasn't just snatched away like it was for the Connecticut parents)
Selflessness (get out of your own way)
Family and friends (they are all, really, that we have, that we need in this life. They alone are what keep us going in times like these)
Love, love, and more love.
Because that's the only thing that is going to get us through.
"You can take all this, take it away, I'd still have it all.
'Cause I've climbed the tree of life, and that is why
No longer scared if I fall"
Madonna, Nothing Fails.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
No Frills
This is a joke with Mike, as I say the name of the grocery store "NO Frills" and he says "No FRILLS" and I still can't get how he picks up on my subtle intonations of focussing on the 'wrong' word, but it's funny.
Re-reading old entries, sitting here on a very rainy Sunday morning, a cold and damp December day.
Sipping coffee, in my pajamas.
Nothing new to report.
I go back to work tomorrow, back to the place where my professional integrity, in my view, has been questioned and severely compromised, back to the place where stress is the order of the day, not the side dish, where I often even forget to look out the window as I toil through another day of my life.
So, yea, this entry is no frills (NO frills. It's just me, talking about life, just like that Paul McCartney song I recently re-discovered Another Day... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFzEA7ZAfZQ ...drinks another coffee finds it hard to stay awake....like right now).
So this weekend has flown by, football starts in an hour, I finally made it to church (alot of praying to do...), and I ran a good six-miles (and hills) yesterday.
Trying to get myself motivated to run today, despite the cold and the rain.
So yea...it's just another day.
Re-reading old entries, sitting here on a very rainy Sunday morning, a cold and damp December day.
Sipping coffee, in my pajamas.
Nothing new to report.
I go back to work tomorrow, back to the place where my professional integrity, in my view, has been questioned and severely compromised, back to the place where stress is the order of the day, not the side dish, where I often even forget to look out the window as I toil through another day of my life.
So, yea, this entry is no frills (NO frills. It's just me, talking about life, just like that Paul McCartney song I recently re-discovered Another Day... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFzEA7ZAfZQ ...drinks another coffee finds it hard to stay awake....like right now).
So this weekend has flown by, football starts in an hour, I finally made it to church (alot of praying to do...), and I ran a good six-miles (and hills) yesterday.
Trying to get myself motivated to run today, despite the cold and the rain.
So yea...it's just another day.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Angels and Misery
http://www.healyourlife.com/author-kyle-gray/2012/11/lifeshelp/intuitive-guidance/do-you-know-your-guardian-angel?fb_action_ids=10151268112464329&fb_action_types=og.recommends&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map={%2210151268112464329%22%3A142434899237256}&action_type_map={%2210151268112464329%22%3A%22og.recommends%22}&action_ref_map=[]
This article found me on FB today.
I was thinking about my Angel reading that I had last year, given by a man who can communicate with angels, at his home in Oakville.
It was an amazingly strange experience and one that I haven't blogged about much here.
It was right before my Dad died, so I guess, like many experiences I had last year, good and bad, it got eclipsed along with everything else.
After reading the article above, I thought about my own angel experiences, many of which I've written about here, as everytime I have an angel encounter, I remember it very vividly--not so much
what happened, but how I felt as it was happening. How changed I felt afterward.
I'm continuing to puzzle through life (just read my blog-friend Julia's puzzle-post, it struck a chord--http://www.juliaipsa.com/2012/11/method.html ) and just 'be' for the time being. I've done as my friend K. always advises, and I've asked my angels for help. I've gone to my angel-cards, (a lovely birthday gift from said friend K.) a couple of times in the last month and both times the cards have been sage, wise, and calm, reminding me to be the same.
What can I say? November sucked. Like, REALLY SUCKED. It's taken the wind out of me, and as my friend L. said to me today "It's December 1st. I've decided to stop saying I Hate Everybody". Yes, that. Except I need to also stop FEELING it.
Also as L. said today: There. Now you know everything.
Winter is here, I should be feeling the Christmas spirit, but instead I feel zapped, and I've reprogrammed my car radio so that any station playing Christmas songs from now until the new year has been vanquished. And I normally love listening to nice Christmas songs.
I'll get there, I know I will.
Onward and upward as they say.
This article found me on FB today.
I was thinking about my Angel reading that I had last year, given by a man who can communicate with angels, at his home in Oakville.
It was an amazingly strange experience and one that I haven't blogged about much here.
It was right before my Dad died, so I guess, like many experiences I had last year, good and bad, it got eclipsed along with everything else.
After reading the article above, I thought about my own angel experiences, many of which I've written about here, as everytime I have an angel encounter, I remember it very vividly--not so much
what happened, but how I felt as it was happening. How changed I felt afterward.
I'm continuing to puzzle through life (just read my blog-friend Julia's puzzle-post, it struck a chord--http://www.juliaipsa.com/2012/11/method.html ) and just 'be' for the time being. I've done as my friend K. always advises, and I've asked my angels for help. I've gone to my angel-cards, (a lovely birthday gift from said friend K.) a couple of times in the last month and both times the cards have been sage, wise, and calm, reminding me to be the same.
What can I say? November sucked. Like, REALLY SUCKED. It's taken the wind out of me, and as my friend L. said to me today "It's December 1st. I've decided to stop saying I Hate Everybody". Yes, that. Except I need to also stop FEELING it.
Also as L. said today: There. Now you know everything.
Winter is here, I should be feeling the Christmas spirit, but instead I feel zapped, and I've reprogrammed my car radio so that any station playing Christmas songs from now until the new year has been vanquished. And I normally love listening to nice Christmas songs.
I'll get there, I know I will.
Onward and upward as they say.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Niagara during the week
One of the great things about visiting wine country during the week is that there's no one around.
Which I love.
A boutique hotel, a bunch of vineyards, old buildings.
Buying local wine and doing tastings, eating great food, driving in the sunshine, with no traffic, and quiet.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Outside In
This isn't going to be one of those beautifully poetic posts waxing about life, love, and the pursuit
of happiness.
It's going to be more of the type where I sit, in total perplexion (I just made a word up, I'm sorry, it's my license right now) and look at my life and say: what the fuck?
I stepped outside myself several times yesterday, as I was emailing my friend A. this morning, describing said phenomenon. I was, between the hours of nine and ten in the morning, at my therapist's office, the place I go for help, and she was busy writing some summary notes in my chart at the end of our session, and my mind was free to wander.
First, I rooted myself by looking at the calendar on the wall behind her.
November 28th, check.
My appointment date, check.
I'm thirty-nine-years-old, check.
I've been targeted at my place of work by a person who clearly has some serious issues and is 'not being heard at home' as my friend A. so accurately describes it when people feel the need to 'project' like this.
I am moved by this to thank God for my own hideous self-awareness, that has plagued me from childhood. Check.
I am looking now at the painting that hangs behind the couch my therapist sits on during our sessions (yes, she sits on a couch, I on a chair, it's a nice reversal of the New Yorker cartoon depictions of therapy and its many patients-on-couches). It's a blue watercolour, it's a building with little definition except it's definitely square, and it might be a church, or it might be a prison (that got me thinking to how often these two entities can get confused in our busy modern lives). And I thought about how life is sometimes made up of a zillion tiny observations, and sometimes, our treatment of one another gets all snarled up while the time zips by and we lose site of how very small we are on this revolving-door planet.
Leading up to my appointment, I got myself up on time and to the coffee place in plenty of time to make my session without rushing. All very responsible adult-type things to do.
In the waiting room, I sat with my purse on my lap, the coffee resting on a nearby ledge, and read a magazine, and didn't encroach on other chairs in the waiting room by 'claiming' a space that I didn't really need (why do people DO this?). I read an article about a new kind of narcissism, where constant re-assurance is needed for this type to feel their own worth. Except they never really feel it, because they're so busy blaming their emotional state and their 'problems' on others. Ie, classic narcissist behaviour, but in a much clever-er sense. It feels neat. It's not immediately apparent. But their refusal to accept responsibility for the upkeep of their own emotional lives leads them to a permanent state of infancy in dealing with said emotions.
Long story short: they just don't have the tools. And they don't want to get them or use them.
I had, as Oprah has coined, that "aha!" moment. There is nothing that will change this person, this shell who wouldn't know happiness from suffering if it jumped up and bit her, and it made it a little
(note, a little) easier to bear the whole thing.
I will write more about this strange day and its odd effect on me shortly.
Mike and I are headed to wine country to enjoy some time away from the city, and I hope to use my
iPhone for my very first photos there, which I promise to post and talk about.
Happy Thursday. It's sunny (for now), and it's a new day.
Deep breaths.
of happiness.
It's going to be more of the type where I sit, in total perplexion (I just made a word up, I'm sorry, it's my license right now) and look at my life and say: what the fuck?
I stepped outside myself several times yesterday, as I was emailing my friend A. this morning, describing said phenomenon. I was, between the hours of nine and ten in the morning, at my therapist's office, the place I go for help, and she was busy writing some summary notes in my chart at the end of our session, and my mind was free to wander.
First, I rooted myself by looking at the calendar on the wall behind her.
November 28th, check.
My appointment date, check.
I'm thirty-nine-years-old, check.
I've been targeted at my place of work by a person who clearly has some serious issues and is 'not being heard at home' as my friend A. so accurately describes it when people feel the need to 'project' like this.
I am moved by this to thank God for my own hideous self-awareness, that has plagued me from childhood. Check.
I am looking now at the painting that hangs behind the couch my therapist sits on during our sessions (yes, she sits on a couch, I on a chair, it's a nice reversal of the New Yorker cartoon depictions of therapy and its many patients-on-couches). It's a blue watercolour, it's a building with little definition except it's definitely square, and it might be a church, or it might be a prison (that got me thinking to how often these two entities can get confused in our busy modern lives). And I thought about how life is sometimes made up of a zillion tiny observations, and sometimes, our treatment of one another gets all snarled up while the time zips by and we lose site of how very small we are on this revolving-door planet.
Leading up to my appointment, I got myself up on time and to the coffee place in plenty of time to make my session without rushing. All very responsible adult-type things to do.
In the waiting room, I sat with my purse on my lap, the coffee resting on a nearby ledge, and read a magazine, and didn't encroach on other chairs in the waiting room by 'claiming' a space that I didn't really need (why do people DO this?). I read an article about a new kind of narcissism, where constant re-assurance is needed for this type to feel their own worth. Except they never really feel it, because they're so busy blaming their emotional state and their 'problems' on others. Ie, classic narcissist behaviour, but in a much clever-er sense. It feels neat. It's not immediately apparent. But their refusal to accept responsibility for the upkeep of their own emotional lives leads them to a permanent state of infancy in dealing with said emotions.
Long story short: they just don't have the tools. And they don't want to get them or use them.
I had, as Oprah has coined, that "aha!" moment. There is nothing that will change this person, this shell who wouldn't know happiness from suffering if it jumped up and bit her, and it made it a little
(note, a little) easier to bear the whole thing.
I will write more about this strange day and its odd effect on me shortly.
Mike and I are headed to wine country to enjoy some time away from the city, and I hope to use my
iPhone for my very first photos there, which I promise to post and talk about.
Happy Thursday. It's sunny (for now), and it's a new day.
Deep breaths.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Giving Thanks
Inspired by my blog-friend Julia's lovely post, here;
http://www.juliaipsa.com/2012/11/eve.html
It's Thanksgiving for our American friends this weekend. Food, fun, football...friends.
Julia asks what we are thankful for...I thought I'd do a list since I'm feeling a bit list-y today, the tv is on, football game in the background (Bills and Colts, you know how I feel), it's almost 2pm, and I have yet to run (am still in pajamas. What can I say? I went out last night. Out, as in, I left the house, hung out with Mike, and some old friends, it was a good time).
So without further delay...
Family of course. More than ever. Despite the frustrations that only our families can inflict on us, no one will ever bring us more joy. Or more sorrow. My dad's death has etched that for me.
Friends. New. Old. Those amazing memories that keep giving. And really, they just keep getting better.
The sunshine. It just came out at my back, reminding me how great my run will be.
Running. Even though I'm not supposed to really be doing it right now, I'm sort-of half in the clear. Good enough for me.
Writing.
This blog, even though it hasn't been getting near the attention it needs from me. Even though I can't quite reveal the bullshit that has gone on in the last while, unless I write a 'fictional' account (believe me, I've thought about it). But all will be revealed, eventually. You know how that goes.
My principles. Wow. They have gone through the wringer these last couple of roller-coaster weeks. As my friend L. wrote in her blog--you can't let their lies become your truth. Amen L. It's been a real challenge to hang on to my beliefs about myself over these two very difficult weeks. All the while keeping up a facade that everything is okay, while inside asking those really scary questions.
How well do I know myself? How do others really perceive me? Does it marry up with how I perceive myself? I think I've proven to myself that it does. This test of my principles is not over, but it's closer to being resolved. And I have the satisfaction of knowing I held on to my beliefs, to those soul-truths, even as I faced scrutiny for being who I am: myself.
Karma. The backlash of it. The whiplash. How it will strike without warning, like a random rainstorm on an otherwise clear day. And it does strike. It's been said that the wheels turn, however slowly, and that has been revealed over the past few days and weeks. And it's also been said, it's a bitch. And yea, it is. Especially when you're on the receiving end of it. On the other end of it though, there is no sweeter feeling then seeing someone get what's coming to them. I am thinking back to a sad September day where I sat in a dingy courtroom with my sister, my arms around her as she cried, witnessing the end of her marriage. This weekend, someone got what was coming to them after a long delay. I know it's wrong to gloat at the suffering of others, but I did give thanks at getting this news yesterday. Sorry. I'm human.
That's all for right now. I'm wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, even though here in Canada we had our holiday in October. It's a nice reminder to remember to be thankful every day really. Even when things are not going well. Especially when they're not going well. As my friend A. says, even in those dark, shitty times, good things can come out. Very true.
http://www.juliaipsa.com/2012/11/eve.html
It's Thanksgiving for our American friends this weekend. Food, fun, football...friends.
Julia asks what we are thankful for...I thought I'd do a list since I'm feeling a bit list-y today, the tv is on, football game in the background (Bills and Colts, you know how I feel), it's almost 2pm, and I have yet to run (am still in pajamas. What can I say? I went out last night. Out, as in, I left the house, hung out with Mike, and some old friends, it was a good time).
So without further delay...
Family of course. More than ever. Despite the frustrations that only our families can inflict on us, no one will ever bring us more joy. Or more sorrow. My dad's death has etched that for me.
Friends. New. Old. Those amazing memories that keep giving. And really, they just keep getting better.
The sunshine. It just came out at my back, reminding me how great my run will be.
Running. Even though I'm not supposed to really be doing it right now, I'm sort-of half in the clear. Good enough for me.
Writing.
This blog, even though it hasn't been getting near the attention it needs from me. Even though I can't quite reveal the bullshit that has gone on in the last while, unless I write a 'fictional' account (believe me, I've thought about it). But all will be revealed, eventually. You know how that goes.
My principles. Wow. They have gone through the wringer these last couple of roller-coaster weeks. As my friend L. wrote in her blog--you can't let their lies become your truth. Amen L. It's been a real challenge to hang on to my beliefs about myself over these two very difficult weeks. All the while keeping up a facade that everything is okay, while inside asking those really scary questions.
How well do I know myself? How do others really perceive me? Does it marry up with how I perceive myself? I think I've proven to myself that it does. This test of my principles is not over, but it's closer to being resolved. And I have the satisfaction of knowing I held on to my beliefs, to those soul-truths, even as I faced scrutiny for being who I am: myself.
Karma. The backlash of it. The whiplash. How it will strike without warning, like a random rainstorm on an otherwise clear day. And it does strike. It's been said that the wheels turn, however slowly, and that has been revealed over the past few days and weeks. And it's also been said, it's a bitch. And yea, it is. Especially when you're on the receiving end of it. On the other end of it though, there is no sweeter feeling then seeing someone get what's coming to them. I am thinking back to a sad September day where I sat in a dingy courtroom with my sister, my arms around her as she cried, witnessing the end of her marriage. This weekend, someone got what was coming to them after a long delay. I know it's wrong to gloat at the suffering of others, but I did give thanks at getting this news yesterday. Sorry. I'm human.
That's all for right now. I'm wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving, even though here in Canada we had our holiday in October. It's a nice reminder to remember to be thankful every day really. Even when things are not going well. Especially when they're not going well. As my friend A. says, even in those dark, shitty times, good things can come out. Very true.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)